September 28, 2011
When I had my first major panic attack. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. My hands and feet were too numb to operate properly, my chest tightened so hard I couldn’t breath and my head felt like it was being screwed over and over again.
All I can remember from that night was that I had a phone clutched in my right hand placed near my ear. I was listening to a voice at the other end as I tried to steady myself at the edge of my bed.
Everything was filled with tears; my eyes, my face, my words…everything was a blur.
One thing was clear: The voice.
It was telling me to breathe slowly and simply concentrate on the sound I hear. I stopped myself from talking and blabbering further. Kept my mouth shut as much as possible trying to minimize the sound coming from my uneven breaths and sobs.
I’ve had several panic attacks before. A few of them I still remember. Snippets of memories in my head:
Inside the car, I sat in the back seat alone listening to his voice getting louder and angrier. I remember looking at the mirror and it was as if his eyes were eating my whole soul.
Then another one appears, I was having dinner in a room we shared, he entered the door throwing everything in sight. Stomping his feet and slapping the concrete wall. I just stared at him. Tears.
Tears began to fall.
Now I’m back in the very same place I was a while ago before everything started to fade.
He approached me interrupting my task at hand. He raised his voice, starting yet another argument. But this time, I reasoned out. And I shouldn’t have. Because it was stupid of me to think I had a right to let my voice be heard. I would never win…because he would have let me.
Two mistakes were all it took for him to be blow me up into pieces.
Two mistakes were all it took for him to crush me inside and ruin what little was left of who I was or remained to be.
The phone rings and I took it from the table and ran.
I ran away from him, I ran away from the tears, I ran away from the pain. But I could not escape the heaviness of what was building up inside me.
So much has been covered and hidden inside.
The numbness slowly catching up. The tears starting to create a blur in my vision. The pain. Oh it was the worst.
I forced myself to move barely keeping my balance. Found a room to hide. To hide in safety and succumb to the darkness that the room contained.
I am still listening. I catch a few phrases and get caught up in some other thought.
Words are running in my head. I cannot breathe properly. This does not make sense.
“YOU WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH” I will never be enough, I repeat in my head.
His words were so strong, not even the voice could pull me back to sanity.
The phone drops from my hand unable to fight against the numbness forcing my palm to close.
I am tired.
I do not want to leave.
Although it is an option.
My eyes start to close.
They say eternal sleep is was heaven feels like; peaceful.
But sad to say, I woke up.
And I never once talked again.
Something happened inside me that night.
All I know is something used to be there before and now it doesn’t exist.