From Ms. Merlin…

From Ms. Merlinda Bobis’ novel: Fish Hair Woman

Ang lahat ng ito ay pagsubok lamang, kinabukasan agad malilimutan.
Pakikibaka ang mahalaga, ituloy ang aklasan.
Hindi pa katapusan ng mundo.

yes it is not the end of the world.

If it’s not going to happen then stop wasting your time for nothing.

Get back up, brush off the dirt, learn to walk away

But never forget.

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Late night thoughts

I don’t know how we got into this state again, but I just really want to get this off my chest because I can’t fucking sleep right now.

I miss you Anthony. So much.

And I don’t know if you’re pushing me away again or if you just don’t really care. But you know what, I can’t really do anything about it because I’ve tried and yet there’s nothing. Now I told you what I have been holding back for the past couple of months and I don’t know what to do anymore

I would’ve wanted to say those things to you, but right now I am so confused.
It’s the normal story you see in movies, boy meets girl, boy likes girl and then after a few months, the girl starts to feel the same way. Amazingly, you somehow managed to divert the story line and lead it to a different plot.

You tell me you like me then I told you I felt the same way.
I started to reach out to you, but then you pushed me away.
I went on with my life and tried to forget now you come back and tell me what you regret.
Now I’m stuck between someone new and someone I knew.
You told me it was my choice, but what I really wanted was you.
You left me with a kiss on my forehead while you wrapped me in your arms.
I thought I was doing the right thing and that it would mean me no harm.
But then you started ignoring me; you started running away.
It crushed me to pieces and left me astray.

Because of you I built a wall, much stronger than before.
Now I wonder if you do come back, will it stay strong after all?

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Reminisce

It feels like I’ve been staring at a picture for quite some time.

Could it still be the same me? the same us?

I used to have a different smile. A different laugh.

Changes. Yes it has concealed every part of me that once distinguished the person whom I was before.

Is it too late to go back?

For months, I’ve been longing for the safe haven I once called home.

But I stuck to what I believed was right.

Walk forward and never look back.

Now I’m slowly realizing that I’ve lost a part of me somewhere in this long road journey.

And only have I finally understood that I will never be complete until I trace my steps back.

Now I’m asking you,

Is it too late?

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GONE

September 28, 2011

When I had my first major panic attack. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. My hands and feet were too numb to operate properly, my chest tightened so hard I couldn’t breath and my head felt like it was being screwed over and over again.

All I can remember from that night was that I had a phone clutched in my right hand placed near my ear. I was listening to a voice at the other end as I tried to steady myself at the edge of my bed.

Everything was filled with tears; my eyes, my face, my words…everything was a blur.

One thing was clear: The voice.

It was telling me to breathe slowly and simply concentrate on the sound I hear. I stopped myself from talking and blabbering further. Kept my mouth shut as much as possible trying to minimize the sound coming from my uneven breaths and sobs.

——————-

I’ve had several panic attacks before. A few of them I still remember. Snippets of memories in my head:

Inside the car, I sat in the back seat alone listening to his voice getting louder and angrier. I remember looking at the mirror and it was as if his eyes were eating my whole soul.

Then another one appears, I was having dinner in a room we shared, he entered the door throwing everything in sight. Stomping his feet and slapping the concrete wall. I just stared at him. Tears.

Tears began to fall.

Now I’m back in the very same place I was a while ago before everything started to fade.

He approached me interrupting my task at hand. He raised his voice, starting yet another argument. But this time, I reasoned out. And I shouldn’t have. Because it was stupid of me to think I had a right to let my voice be heard. I would never win…because he would have let me.

Two mistakes.

Two mistakes were all it took for him to be blow me up into pieces.

Two mistakes were all it took for him to crush me inside and ruin what little was left of who I was or remained to be.

The phone rings and I took it from the table and ran.

I ran away from him,  I ran away from the tears, I ran away from the pain.  But I could not escape the heaviness of what was building up inside me.

So much has been covered and hidden inside.

The numbness slowly catching up. The tears starting to create a blur in my vision. The pain. Oh it was the worst.

I forced myself to move barely keeping my balance. Found a room to hide. To hide in safety and succumb to the darkness that the room contained.

——————–

I am still listening. I catch a few phrases and get caught up in some other thought.

Words are running in my head. I cannot breathe properly. This does not make sense.

“YOU WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH” I will never be enough, I repeat in my head.

His words were so strong, not even the voice could pull me back to sanity.

The phone drops from my hand unable to fight against the numbness forcing my palm to close.

I am tired.

Of everything.

I do not want to leave.

Although it is an option.

My eyes start to close.

They say eternal sleep is was heaven feels like; peaceful. 

But sad to say, I woke up.

And I never once talked again.

Something happened inside me that night.

All I know is something used to be there before and now it doesn’t exist.

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sanctuary

Warm water trickling down your face.

Mist appears on the glass.

A blurred figure standing

With its head bent down and fists slammed at the wall.

 

You try to utter the words you were meant to say,

but only muffled sobs managed to escape.

In a few minutes or so you’d have to stop this facade

but you’d rather stay here as long as it takes.

 

Why is it of all the places set out in the world

the feeling of being trapped is non existent here.

But with the decision you are about to make

it’s as if you don’t have any other choice.

 

You close your eyes,

rocking yourself back and forth.

Trying to say awake, trying to stay sane

but isn’t it a little too late?

 

You never intended to push through

but there’s no such thing as going back.

You hold the side for support; gripping the curtain on your other hand.

You shut off the running water unready for what’s to come.

 

With the towel wrapped around you;

you force yourself to move

outside the glass of protection.

Trying to conquer what awaits.  

 

Your fate lies behind those doors

but it’s something you’d rather not face

knowing there might not be a chance

to come back to these walls that made you feel safe.

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when it still feels like 2 in the morning

Having heard your voice yesterday night

I know I shouldn’t miss you

Having talked for 8 hours non stop

I know I shouldn’t have more to say

 

Ten minutes before five

nothing seems to work

I’ve tried music, I’ve tried milk

but countless of thoughts still rush through

 

So many hours we’ve spent talking

but it never seems to be enough (for some reason)

and every night that I stay up late

I yearn to hear your voice even more

 

I wonder what it would be like

to wake you up at 3 and call you outside

Sneaking out of our houses

Pushing our curfew for a long night ride 

 

I scroll through my diary

asking myself if I’d ever get the chance

to show you or tell you

who I was before we met

 

I swear, I feel like I’ve gone bonkers

because this is something I haven’t felt (for quite a while)

would you promise to be careful

if I told you I’ve fallen for your smile?

 

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Return

I forgot how comforting it feels to listen to the radio while on a road trip.

How every song, if not reminds you of something, makes you enter the magical realm                     As if to say you are in a trance of a never ending breathtaking feeling.

Called freedom.

Miles and miles

You continue to draw closer to your destination.

…not wanting to move from where you’re sitting.

…desperately wishing for the song not to reach its final notes

…grasping the edge of your seat as you wait for the road to end.

Sweaty palms. Uneven breaths…You clutch the strap of your yellow tote bag                              wondering if this uneasiness accounts for the thoughts of this dreadful being inside of you.

The car makes a turn to a familiar street;

Your stop.

A nagging feeling demands you to jump out of the vehicle but your feet remain planted on the gray floor mat.

There it is coming back to you.

Something you’ve been trying to escape for years;                                                                 solely unveiling what’s left of the journey…

Home.

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