the missing typewriter

“J.M? Like this?” I watched as his fingers wrapped on a pen moved smoothly on the crisp white paper.

“Yes like that except with a couple of curls and twists at the end of both letters.”

“Oh. You mean like those fonts they used in the 50’s”

“YES. EXACTLY!” Thank God he finally got what I was saying.

“Why didn’t you say so?”. He chuckled. “What’s this about anyway?” He said eyeing me.

“It’s just some ancient juju that belonged to my grandfather?”

“Hmm. I don’t see any reason why you’d sell it, what is it for?” 

He tilted his head waiting for my response.

Honestly I didn’t know what I was thinking at that time, the words just fell out of my mouth.

” I want…to change the world.”

At first I thought he was going to laugh at me but he inched closer and stared deep into my eyes.

He didn’t blink. He didn’t roll his eyes. He didn’t even ask why.

All he said was, “‘are you sure enough that you’re ready to do that?”

I nodded. And all it took was a split second for him to nod back and walk away.

I watched him as his feet slowly brought him farther and farther from where I was. 

I heard the click of a door knob opening and the sounds from outside rushing in.

He stopped before entirely closing the door.

“Before I forget…” he said as he threw a black tape like thing.

I caught it with my left hand barely recognizing what this object was or its use.

I looked at him, baffled by what I held in my hand and its significance to my goal.

He nodded encouragingly.

I looked at it again, studying its features. Of course. How can I be so stupid?

Ink.

And everything just clicked together.

He believed in me. 

No need for words. 

I look at him and smiled. He got it all along.

What is the use of a typewriter without ink?

It would be like pouring out your heart into the pages of unseen beauty which only you can comprehend. 

I never saw him again.

But I still try to visit the house often to check if he left something…a clue or sheets of paper perhaps..but nothing. Never again did he come back.

The last time I felt the most sure of his existence was three days after he left the house.

June 30. 

Beside me lay the most fragile object that my heart has been searching for all these years.

Though people doubted my capability and questioned me most of the time,

I kept writing.

Today they would still ask me:

What do you even plan to do?

Why on earth are you doing this?

What made you think that you’d be different?

And I look at each one of them and say the same thing over and over again,

If you had the chance to change the world, wouldn’t you?

No questions asked.

We all want the same thing.

Somebody just has to have the courage to start.

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what the eyes hold

Her hands are shaking.

She stares at them intently

Trying to deny the turmoil of emotions that goes about inside her body

She questions her worth, her contributions and even her mere existence.

What has become of her?

Standing in front of a mirror; she looks away.

See how her eyes avoid the figure in front of her.

See how she cannot bare to take a look.

See how she clenches her fists.

Fists that are tempted to shatter the fragile glass

Notice how her frail looking body slowly inches its way to a corner

Her eyes are unable to remain in one area.

Her mind alone cannot carry all these thoughts.

She bangs her head continuously.

It’s as if she lost control of sanity.

She closes her eyes hoping to dilute the stabbing pain

But life showed no mercy

All the burden and negativity poured rapidly

Into what little space she had left inside her head

Her mind shuts down.

And like a schizophrenic person

She began to hallucinate.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Footsteps. Each at their own pace.

People started passing by.

One by one they looked at her.

Judged her.

All eyes fixated on her.

The cruel attention they gave

Provoked her system from further breaking into pieces

Eyes tightly closed.

Heavy uneven breaths.

Uncontrollable shaking.

Numbness all over her body.

No one knew

Her thoughts, her fears, her insecurities

few dared to ask.

No one was patient enough to listen…

They never understood.

Nor did any of them try to.

She knows someone out there will.

Someday, perhaps in the near future

Because that’s what everybody says

‘That’s okay, you needn’t be wary. That person is probably out there. You’ll just have to wait and see’

That’s what everybody says. That’s what everybody believes in

And she asks,

How come a lot of people take their lives every day?

If that person exists, shouldn’t they have prevented it from taking place?

And for that matter,

Does that person even exist?

They tell her to wait and to understand

But she has been doing that for so long

That she forgot the purpose behind it

She sits there quietly.

Taking time to glance at their eyes

Hoping to find that person they’ve all been talking about

She would do that every day.

Over and over again

Each look criticizing her whole being

Leaving her defenseless

And at the end of the day consumed.

What was left of her, you might ask?

Her eyes.

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and it goes *blink* *blink*

and it goes *blink* *blink*

Do you know that those blinking Christmas lights that forms into a star, mean something different to a lot of people?

It could be distracting for a person trying to concentrate on driving.
It could be pretty and shiny for a little kid.
It could be a new brilliant design for a furniture designer.
Or It could just be a Christmas decoration for a normal person.

But for me it was so different.

I don’t normally look out the window when I’m riding a vehicle because it makes me feel nauseous but in this case the car wasn’t moving .
So I bent my head to the left and looked.

It was beautiful.
It was new.
It was a brilliant idea.

But as I stared at it longer, I saw what others wouldn’t normally see. I saw beyond this Christmas decoration.

The chemistry of all the lights building into one perfect star as it glows, all depended on each blinking light’s differences, depended on its variations, depended on each other.

Like people. Different people taking their time to bring light… to spark. Converged into a single star which they now call home. And as the main switch opens, a spectacular show of lights blinking from different directions is seen.

Just like people I know…does it ring a bell now?

that was only the concept of how it was made, of how it came to be and of how I saw it differently.

There is more out there.
Things, places and wonders people have yet to encounter.
I want to be one of those to explore it. I want to see things the way I’ve never seen them before.

Because getting that feeling is such an amazing experience.

Realizing something so obvious in everyone’s eyes.

Having your breath taken away by this realization.

And engulfing yourself with this feeling and hoping it lasts for as long as it takes.

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thoughts that can…

How do you start to explain something you yourself cannot even comprehend?

 

You pace back and forth thinking.

trying to dig deeper inside yourself.

you sigh feeling frustrated

because you of all people cannot grasp this unknown

 

In the process of searching for who you are

You have lost yourself.

scary thing is 

You can’t seem to find yourself anymore

it just goes deeper…and deeper..and deeper

like a never ending maze

 

tried every solution at hand

 nothing happens

 

INHALE. EXHALE.

nothing changes.

INHALE.   EXHALE.

still nothing.

INHALE.           EXHALE.

 

nothing.

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and she was left with a feeling of overwhelming sadness

The sun is about to set.

A flower’s stem begins to bend.

let it go with no regrets

Shows finally at its end.

She just stares. Too lost in her thoughts.

No words come out. Unsure of herself.

What would be the right thing to do or better yet what is the right thing to say?

She shuts her eyes.

thoughts were on replay.

The song. The tears. The eyes.

it was too much.

suddenly walls began to fall down effortlessly.

And as she opens her eyes

she finds out

that where she’s standing now was the exact same place she was a year ago.

You can never truly erase something that is real.

It sits quietly at one corner of your mind as it waits for you to remember it once again.

Bars, chains or Recycle bins have no power over it.

It stays there. and waits.

And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder

And I wish you could still give me a hard time

Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

No explanations. No talks.

But in those times where thoughts are hard to decipher or words are difficult to say

Find the right verse, the right melody and the right song to play.

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It takes time

Not that I can’t wait.

Not that I am eager to know.

But if you could only look through your eyes, break down your walls and open your heart you’ll see.

 That I am not one to hurt a person unintentionally.

I started to break your walls.

To see who you really are.

Little did I know I need not force them to collapse.

Because it takes time.

before a door can finally open.

So I shall wait.

Even if I have to break down every layer just to get through the thick hard shell you cover yourself in.

I will try.

And I know you may not believe in the things I say.

Nonetheless I shall still try.

Because now I know that it takes time.

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I’m just saying…

I’m just saying that it was easy for me to like Lacey before. It’s easy to like someone from a distance. But when she stopped being this amazing unattainable thing or whatever, and started being, like, just a regular girl with a weird relationship with food and frequent crankiness who’s kinda bossy–then I had to basically start liking a whole different person. – Paper Towns p. 267

I should have seen it coming. I gave way too many chances. I was blinded by what I wanted to see. I trusted again. I only listened to what I wanted to hear. I made the same mistake twice.

This is me finally drawing the line. I cannot take this any further. Maybe that’s what you really wanted. For me to stop it myself so you could be all like I-never-did-anything-to-you.

I have this weird reaction that after something is done to me over and over again (like being ditched or being lied to) I tend to understand at first as long as I can but there comes a point, a point that bursts out of nowhere, wherein I don’t feel anything anymore. And at that point I have finally let go of whoever or whatever I was holding on to for so long. Just like that.

You might think that you didn’t even do anything on purpose. And the fact that it is inevitable for people not to hurt you may seem reasonable enough… but it was too much…even if it was unintentional. I know a part of it was my fault for not telling you but I was only trying to understand… you had your wrongs as well. Why didn’t you see any of them?

You and your words. I shake my head slowly whenever I recall everything you said.

“Here’s what I can promise. I promise to find a way to make things work. ”

Where did that promise go? hmm?

I won’t call you a liar. You are a Jabbler. The meaning of that word is for you to find out.

You cannot just say you feel the same way without proving it. You cannot just fill a girl’s mind with hopes, promises and a future because that girl will hold on to what you said. She will believe in it and remember it whenever she feels like giving up.

You gave her a pathway. A pathway thoroughly designed with all the riches and magic you can only find in her dreams. But it was an illusion, set to trap this clueless girl.

I already had a strong feeling from the start. And I did not follow my intuition because I knew everybody was different. I gave it a chance and looked through you.

I should’ve kept my walls up. I should’ve stayed still and let you pass in some other direction. But no, I lead you straight to where I was and where this teeny tiny box called my Feelings was.

And now I regret doing it.

I feel so stupid for letting this happen. I felt it, I knew and I should’ve followed it.

You were just like him. You two have so much in common, I already saw it, I shouldn’t have looked away.

I hate you for doing this to me. I promised myself I wouldn’t let my guard down unless I was a 100% sure. Even with all the warnings and signs I got, I went for it. I shouldn’t have.

And now you’re probably wondering why I feel this way towards you…why I hate you or why I am angry at what you did. The only explanation for that is because of another defence mechanism. I try to deal with stronger feelings like hatred and anger so as not much to feel what really lies deep inside me…hurt.

Now I have to be strong for myself because of what I am about to do.

I have to end this. I have to fade away. I have to leave without saying good bye…because that’s what I’m good at when it comes to these things…I’m good at disappearing. But never forgetting…

I thought I saw who you really were, I thought I got to know you…but that was when you were still standing from afar, when I got to see you up close all I saw was  a person who had a life focused on education, priorities and important things, I realized I wasn’t part of any of those.

I realized it a little too late.

That is why I have to do this. I have to save myself. I have to prevent myself from getting hurt any further. And build up walls strong enough to stand longer than before.

And now what makes it harder is accepting something you’ve been trying to reject for the past couple of months, the truth.

If you ever get the chance to read this, here’s what I’d like to say:

Too bad, I really liked you. A lot. Probably because I thought you were some kind of amazing person and maybe because I thought I was someone important to you. Someone worth it. I was wrong. Oh well. That’s life. Thank you for making it harder for me to trust again.

And now with that finished, I have nothing else to do but

Move on.

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